Time to get all Romantic up in that Shit
Enjoy a night in the single most romantic spot in the western hemisphere. Have dinner in the trees next to a waterfall, and then enjoy a night in a king size.canopy bed, where you can rail your partner up against the railing, as they enjoy the view of the white water creek rushing 10 meters underneath you. The next day, use the sauna and go for a cold dip in the river.
Previous guests have left rave reviews, and the verdict has been unanimous; 11 out of 5 stars.
Some Choice Reviews:
- "My life hasn't been this romantic since high school prom."
- "Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck."
- "Damn, you've really outdone yourself with this one."
Invite a person that you're excited about, then pick a date on the calendar and lock it in.
Arrive around 6 or 7 pm. Bring your own bottle of wine. Glassware and dishes are provided. Let me know your preferred cuisine (sushi, Thai, Indian, Mexican, etc.). I'll order the food for you, bring it down to the treehouse, and then leave you alone for the rest of the night. You'll have complete and total privacy.
For an extra fee of just "message me in the morning and see how lazy Jaap's feeling" I might even bring freshly brewed cappucinos down, and a croissant for breakfast.
For more information, see the infrequently asked questions section below. But take a look at these photos first...
Infrequently Asked Questions
Won't it be cold?
The tree house has a propane patio heater for heat from above, and the dinner table has an infrared heater underneath to keep your legs warm. Furthermore, the king size mattress has an electric heated cover to keep you nice and toasty. Combined with blankets, you're guaranteed to stay warm.
Though given the beautiful weather, you won't even need all that heat. Especially not since you and your romantic partner ought to be bringing your own heat anyway. Point being; it's fantastic and extremely comfortable.
What if it rains?
Then your evening is cancelled. Tough luck, pick another day. Sorry...
Can we play music?
The treehouse has a bluetooth speaker, and two phone chargers wired into the headboard. We're not savages.
Where do I pee?
In the bushes. Cause we're savages.
Though you can always hike back up to the house if you're a princess and need to use the full facilities.
Is it really private?
It sure is. It's far enough from the house that we can't see or hear you, and the pipelines next to Pipeline Bridge block the view entirely from the canyon. You're welcome to go check for yourself.
But trust me, you can get your freak on and nobody will judge you.
What is the check-out time?
We strongly encourage you to clear your schedule for the next day. It turns out that around 10 am the sun peeks out from behind the tree, bathing the canopy bed in direct sunlight. You're very much invited to continue rolling around the rest of the afternoon, perhaps combined with a few sauna and cold dip rotations. The way the sun hits the bed on the tree platform at noon, it is the perfect spot for butthole tanning -- if that's your kind of thing. We don't judge.
How sturdy is the tree house?
The entire structure is held up by 4 solidly anchored and build-for-this-purpose specialized Tree Attachment Bolts (these are 241 US dollars per bolt, and stronger than your boyfriend's erection on double tapped Viagra, see their website if you want the specs).
The entire structure rests on two tribeams constructed out of 4x6 lumber. The 2x8 joists are spaced 16-inch-on-center, screwed down with Simpson strong ties and structural screws, and crossing a span and cantilever that are well within parameters. The railing posts are blocked in according to code (they're actually better than the railing on the deck by the house), and the railing fence is using Kreg jig countersunk holes to hide the screws, so it's strong and pretty.
But what about the trees themselves?
For starters, it's attached to two separate trees, not just one. So each tree only carries half the weight, providing independent support. Tree House Supplies (the company that supplies the bolts) suggests a minimum tree diameter of 10 inches. Both our trees are bigger than that. If you still have doubt, look up at how high those trees are, and consider the combined total weight of the entire tree trunk, and all the branches and the greens, able to withstand the wind year round.
And what about the cliff's edge though?
Oh my, you really think of everything. That's a great question indeed, and quite frankly; the biggest wildcard. I suppose there's a chance repeat bouncing on the bed may cause the entire foundations of the trees to collapse, resulting in the entire cliff face crumbling down into the river below. I hope you can swim. What a way to go that would be though. Death by vigoroius love making on the cliff's edge. And hey, that's why you signed a waiver. It'll be your own fault.
If it makes you feel any better, on top of the over-engineered deck strength, we have attached cables from each tribeam to another tree further back. The theory is that it would turn catastrophic failure into a mere: "Thud, whomp. Oh, whoops, it appears the tree platform isn't quite level anymore, perhaps we should abort the night."
If that happens, you can come inside and spend the rest of the night in the guest room. I'll even give a full refund on the zero dollars you paid to use the tree platform.
And hey, as McKinney explains in The Effects of Adrenaline on Arousal and Attraction, poor decision making can enhance how much you love someone. So take a chance, live a little, YOLO.